This Computer Mouse Walks Into a Bar

If you’ve been around my funny stories for long, you’ve heard about the Five Amigos, and know that the yellow school bus, a letter opener, urinal and a credit card have already had their day in the fun.  With today’s laugher, the computer mouse finally gets her time on stage.

This computer mouse walks into a bar and is immediately assaulted by the sound of a man swearing at the top of his lungs.  Being used to taking control of everything in front of her, she walks over to the bartender, who is calling authorities, grabs his keys and immediately starts moving the curser toward a storage room, where she locks him up until the police arrive.

 

 

 

 

Now that you’ve had a chuckle (or two), find out how to vote!  Hint, hint…glasses slapping on the bar.

You Wouldn’t Think of These

I’m not just a silly ‘walks into a bar’ joke type of guy and today I’ll prove it.  Words and phrases have intrigued me for years and with today’s first installment of “What Not Thoughts” you’ll be introduced to some of that intrigue, unless you run and hide now before I launch into my latest craziness.

Ottoman Empire

It was reputed to be one of the most powerful states in the world during the 15th and 16th centuries but I think that must have been an overstatement.  I mean, how much world domination could be expected from a bunch of foot rests?

Coffee Conundrum

Good thing I don’t care much for coffee, because if a drive through redwood is the experience of having a tree all around you on all sides of your car, I’m thinking a Drive Thru Espresso must be like a coffee car wash.

English Grammar

I read that William Sydney Porter, better known by his pen name O. Henry, began writing his witty stories while in prison for embezzlement.  Guess that lends credibility to the saying that con text is everything.

Three is often considered a magic number and since that’s how many “What Not Thoughts” I’ve presented here, I’ll rest for the time being and start collecting my ideas for the next installment.

This Tape Dispenser Walks Into a Bar

We all know how valuable the right kind of adhesive can be for a project at home but did you know that’s not the only place these tools of the trade can help out?

This Tape Dispenser Walks Into a Bar, orders her favorite beverage and an appetizer, and heads to the table she always occupies.  The owner walks over carrying her order and with a grateful smile, asks if he can sit down.  “Of course,” the diminutive office accessory said.

“I just want to thank you,” he began with a strained voice.  “We’re having a rough time gaining new customers, so your patronage means so much to us.  Please don’t misunderstand, but with all the options in town, why do you keep coming back?”

Looking up at him and smiling, she said, “Well that’s easy…when I like something, I stick to it.”

 

 

 

 

After the joke comes the vote…how many glasses are you going to slap on the bar for this one?

Married and Harried

Today’s installment of my Spare the Air jokes needs a little explanation.  When I wrote the first one, while living in Northern California, the jokes came about as a sort of push back on the repeated weather warnings we experienced.  I figured, there had to be something funny about the situation and the series was born.

Well now we’ve moved to a small town in Eastern Washington and don’t hear as much about air quality as we did in the San Francisco Bay Area.  But as our new state has it’s own air monitoring service and since I don’t want to stop writing the jokes, I’m going to keep shooting them into the air.

This newly wedded couple returned from their honeymoon to their small home in Spokane, prepared and enjoyed  a delicious dinner, then headed straight to the bedroom and ended up delightfully asleep in each other’s arms.  In what seemed like just moments, they woke to face their first work day as Mr. & Mrs.  She finished her shower and was grabbing a brush and blow dryer just as he walked in with the first bad news of their marriage.  “Honey, you’re going to have to let those beautiful tresses air dry today because I just heard it’s a Spare the Hair day.

This School Bus Walks Into a Bar

Long, long ago, in a joke not too far away, Five Amigos walked into a bar and, as they say, the rest is history.  Actually, only three of the five have had their stories etched in the annals of bygone times but now, that’s about to change.

This school bus walks into a bar, orders a Shirley Temple, and stands off to the side waiting for his drink.  Quickly prepared, the beverage is placed on the bar and the large conveyance takes a sip but doesn’t move toward sitting down.  “Want a seat?” the bartender asks.  The transport looks up from his drink and says, “No thanks, I’ve got plenty.”

 

 

 

How many Glasses on the Bar do you give this joke?  Need help…check out how to vote.

This Urinal Walks Into a Bar

Five Amigos were introduced to this blog in February of this year, and already, the letter opener and the credit card have walked into a bar hopefully to the chuckles of many readers.  With today’s joke, that leaves just the computer mouse and yellow school bus to make their way to a local tavern.

This Urinal Walks Into a Bar and orders his favorite drink.  The owner of the bar, a good friend, walks up to say hi and immediately notices a difference in her pal.  “Heat getting to you today my friend,” the concerned lady says.  “No”, the urinal replies quizzically, “why do you ask?”  “Well just noticed you looked a little more flushed than usual.”

Glasses on the bar - B

 

 

 

 

Get some Glass on the Bar…check out how to vote for this joke!

This Eye Chart Walks into a Bar

In the world I live in, there doesn’t seem to be any reason why eye charts wouldn’t want a drink now and then, especially with people staring at them all day.  So it doesn’t come as a surprise to me that…

This Eye Chart Walks into a Bar.  Almost immediately, the bartender walks over and sets down a glass of dark beer and some chicken wings, which just happens to be exactly what the vision checking tool was going to order.  “How did you know what I wanted?” the optometrist’s aide asked.  “Simple”, said the bartender, “you’re really easy to read.”

Vote the ‘Glasses on the Bar’ method – Find out how!

This Credit Card Walks into a Bar

Earlier this year, in another joke, I referenced a yellow school bus, a computer mouse, a credit card, a urinal, and a letter opener as upcoming subjects of a joke.  The letter opener had his moment of fame and now it’s time for one of the other Five Amigos.

This credit card walks into a bar and orders a Mojito.  After taking the first sip, he slams the glass onto the bar and grumbles loudly to the bartender, “Hey, the soda water in this drink is flat.”  The bartender looks over at him and retorts sharply, “So are you and I don’t see anyone complaining.”

Glasses on the bar - F

 

 

 

Laugh or no laugh?  Check out how to vote and then cast your glasses.

This Good Day Walks into a Bar

Here comes the second entry into the W.I.A.B Challenge.

This Good Day walks into a bar that he’s never been to before and steps up to order a drink.  Sam, the barkeep walks over and says, “Good day, what’ll you have?”  Stunned, Mr. Dawn-to-dark replies, “How did you know who I am?”  Sam grins and says, “Hey, we just try and be a cheery sort of place because we know that sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name.”

Glasses on the bar - E

 

 

 

 

Check out the voting scale and then place some glasses on the bar for this joke.

 

This April Fools’ Day Joke Walks into a Bar

Donald Trump just received President Obama’s endorsement…

You’ve just won $5 million dollars…

Don’t move there’s a giant bear standing right behind you…

We all know how each of those statements would end, if we heard them on April 1st, but did you know April Fools’ Day Jokes have a life of their own?

This April Fools’ Day Joke Walks into a Bar and joins a queue at the non-alcoholic mixed-drink center.  He smilies at the lady in front of him, who suddenly looks a little apprehensive.  She finally relaxes when they move forward and she gets her drink without any prank from the little guy behind her.  Thankful that he’s next, the mischief maker steps up to receive his libation, and the bartender apolgizes for the delay.  The little shenanigan just flashes him a big grin and says, “No problem, a good punch line is always worth the wait.”

Glasses on the bar - D

 

 

Learn How to Vote for this Joke